No. I will not shut up about this.

     My best friend’s girlfriend found a journal I gave to him a year ago when they went on a vacation. It was for him to write in it and tell me about his experiences in England and a little for me tob e able to come to England, too. After all I love that country. So I gave it to him. We were very close at the time, even closer than now and used to talk daily about everything. Their and my vacation and a few other days meant that we would not see each other for four weeks. I wanted to give him something to tell me what happened in his vacation, and not a general „well it was nice“. And there were three little pictures in it, because I knew he would like it and I wanted to come to England. As I thought, no big deal.

    So, apparently she found it and all hell broke loose. She feels lied to, even asked him if weh ad anything physical going on or kissed and stuff like that. She feels lied to about how intimate our relationship is. And he was incredibly terrified that she would break up with him.

     But I am quite pissed off as well. When we (she and me) struggled a while ago, I asked him not to visit me without telling her, because he did a few times and I did not want tob e a secret, but allowed to be his friend. Our friendship is VERY special. We are kind of soulmates. I tell people, my boyfriend, my parents, my friends what he means to me. They know he is extremely important to me and that I love him. And I do not see how this is wrong. I do not. I love my female best friends, why can’t I love him? So, what I get from her reaction ist he impression, that he never told her that I was special and important to him. And that hurt me.

     Now, he’s acting strange. He won’t  really react to my „I miss you, meet with me?“ and says he needs to talk to me, but won’t set a date. I am scared he says we can’t be close anymore and not spend as much time (as if we did….seriously, the past two month were jokes at best when it comes to how often we saw each other).  I do need him, because noone ever understood me the way he did. And I am not scared to say this. This does not mean I don’t love my boyfriend or don’t want to be with him. And HE knows that. But apparently my best friend’s girlfriend cannot take not tob e the very only fucking person who is important in his life. I held back on my opinion on her, because he asked me to, but fucking shit…that chick is fucked up. She struggled in life, yeah. But PEOPLE HAVE TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER eventually.

      I remember when they got together…how „oh this relationship will be so open and positive and great“ and all I see now is mistrust, jealousy, stress and powerstruggles.

But I am very aware oft he fact that I do not have the slightest say in any relationship but my own. Still, in my opinion, she is not good for him and most certainly not for herself.

I am sorry I hurt her. Though it was mainly his fault, in my opinion.

But I will not apologise for who I am. Because I am good. I am loving to people I care about. FUCKING SUE ME! This is a positive life I’m trying to lead and I will not some bitch let get in the way.

And I do not deserve to lose my best friend, because they are too proud or insecure or whatever to get their shit together. No.  

This probably does not belong out here, but here it is. I cannot deal with this on my own.

Sorry for typos and things like that...